The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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