if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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