I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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