You made me cry and you don't even care
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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