Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
