just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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