I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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