im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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