I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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