dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
