Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
