the condom got lost in my hair
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
