In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
