we have pet lesbian snakes
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
