watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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