My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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