I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
