The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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