I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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