I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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