when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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