Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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