I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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