i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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