You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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