my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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