it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
