Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
