sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
