Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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