if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
