Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
