Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
