You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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