Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
