i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
