I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
