his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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