Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
