Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
