how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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