Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
