I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
