I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
