Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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