If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
