I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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