I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
