Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
