today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
