My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You left your phone here
Wait...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
