I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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