He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
