Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
