Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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