i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
