You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
