and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A+ Viking dick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
